The Court-martial of Airman B___

The Cast: Transportation provided by: Soundtrack:     This turned out to be one of the more amusing adventures of my military career.
    But first, you really need the setup...
    Bron, a young airman from Tennesse whom we often described as "The Stupidest Man in the Air Force" wasa good friend of Amn (Airman) B_____. They both liked country and western shit, like McBride and the Ride, and they both worked in Admin, which meant that they were somewhat excluded from most of the unit, as we worked flights. They hung out a lot together. Me and G.E.H. liked Bron, because he could be counted on for amusement, like asking whether weightlifters shaved their chests or freaking out when he heard This Corrosion to the point of recounting a dream he had in which he was singing This Corrosion. Amn B____, on the other hand, we despised. He claimed to be a member of the KKK, and he did things like run over sleeping seagulls in the Wooley's parking lot for fun.
    The adventure started after the swing shift on payday, I think sometime early in 1994/late 1993 on Key West NAS. We (that is, the Lager Louts, Glenn and I) returned from the SCIF, and were ready to change and head for Bogart's Irish Pub. While we were doing this, Amn. B_____ announced that he was going out and inquired as to whether anyone else was. We informed him of our plans, and said that we would be there shortly, after hitting the ATM. He said that he would meet us there and left.
    Shortly thereafter, we arrived at the ATM in the Panzerkampfwaffel. Amn. B_____ was standing at the machine and asked how much money one could take out at one time. He finished, we used the machine, and we went to Bogart's, where, uncharacteristically, Amn B_____ was buying drinks for everyone. I always had Irish whiskey, but as he was buying and I didn't like him, I had Bushmill's instead of the cheap stuff. The evening went on like this until the Lager Louts moved on to the Karaoke bar, and I went home because I have always boycotted Karaoke bars.
    Some time later, an investigator called us in for questioning. It seemed that Bron's bank account had been cleaned out using an ATM card, including a withdrawal made just before the Lager Louts use of the machine. I assumed immediately that Amn B_____'s buying drinks was a pathetic attempt to buy us off, as it was quite clear that he had been the person to use the ATM.
    Well, in the end Amn B_____'s refused to plead guilty, so we had to go to Patrick AFB in Cocoa Beach for a court-martial. Patrick was where our administrative stuff was handled because we were an Air Force attachment on a Navy base. I regret that I do not have the First Shirt's highly amusing trip report to reproduce here, but anyway, those of us involved (the Lager Louts, Bron, Glenn, the Colonel, the First Sergeant, the XO, some admin flunky, and me.) booked tickets from Key West to Miami to Orlando to Cocoa Beach. Apparently there was some regulation that we had to fly from the closest airport to the closest airport, even when this was silly. As it turned out, we got to Miami on time, and then bad weather held us up for hours in Miami, then hours in Orlando (where Bron repeatedly sighted his garment bag at numerous locales around the airport), and we didn't get to Cocoa Beach until 1600 or so, and we left at about 0700. We could have made better time driving. Speaking of which, upon arrival, I immediately headed to the car-rental desk, putting Glenn in charge of locating my suitcase. Our staff cars from Patrick had not materialized, and we had to rent cars. I rented a Chrysler convertible, which turned out to be one of three vehicles remaining at the airport, and put Glenn and myself down as drivers. The Colonel and the First Shirt also ended up with cars, but my pre-emptive strike got me one of the cars (and the Air Force even reimbursed me for it!).
    The court-martial was boring. As witnesses, there was nothing to do but sit and wait. We couldn't watch the trial. At least the beach was great--we went swimming after the end of the first day. Bron injured himself on a rack and whined for the rest of the time. Actually, there were alot of rocks and I think that everyone was scraped up, but that only Bron complained.
    We also went shopping that night at a mall, bought a copy of KMFDM's UAIOE for the tape deck of the LeBaron, and a cadence tape and Rothman's Blues and some Russian rolling tobacco. After that, G.E.H. and I took the LeBaron on a speed run. We hit about 105 mph before we really didn't want to go faster with the top down. We also found that this part of Florida is a Hell of chain restaurants. I hate frequenting chains, but it was either that or starve, such is the sad situation in this area.
    Bron's knee injury led to some friction the second day of the court-martial when, while waiting, Bron repeatedly whined; I got sick of hearing it, pulled up my trouser leg to show him that I was equally injured and then chased him around threatening to hit him in the knee until he had a reason to complain about it hurting. Fortunately, this was broken up by my collegues and eventually we were called to testify, one by one. Then we had to hang around in case we were recalled. We also found out that Bron's ATM code was "1234" which we worried might mess up the case. He claimed, "The lady at the bank said to make it something that I could remember." This seemed to be a good excuse in his case.
    So, what was the court-martial like? Well, the things I remember most are that Amn. B_____ did not request that any enlisted men be on his jury, that Amn B_____'s wife was wearing almost as much makeup as Tammy Faye Baker, and the couple questions I was asked. These were,
  •     Where did you see Amn B____ that night? (The Barracks, the ATM, Bogart's Irish Pub).
  • Who used the ATM just before A1C Hatcher? (Gary Bonds!)
  • What did Amn B____ do at the ATM? (Ask how much money he could take out).
  • What did Amn B____ do at Bogarts? (Buy us drinks).
  • Was this unusual? (Yes.)
  • Why? (Because we don't like him.)
  • and finally, from the defense attorney, What were you drinking that night? (Bushmill's!)

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    The next day, things dragged on in the court, and me and G.E.H. went to Cape Canaveral. This was cool, but I must advise you not to eat the space dots. Space dots taste like styrofoam that has been soaked in liquid nitrogen, and the attendents will admonish you if you attempt to feed them to the seagulls. We did not consider this a good sign. 
    Your correspondent at the Cape.

    G.E.H. Field at the Cape.
        We returned in late afternoon to find that Amn B_____ had been pronounced guilty, sentenced to six months in the stockade, reduction to Airman Basic, and a Bad Conduct Discharge. We went back to the hotel and the whirlpool. The Colonel arrived and brought me a Bushmill's. We returned to Key West without incidents. The last words I heard from Amn B____? "Where I come from we don't rat out our buddies." Really? Where I come from, we don't steal our buddies' ATM cards so we can buy baseball cards and stereos.

    E-mail me at CKDerrick@usa.net to tell me your views on justice.

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